Because she's not there
by thousand-miles
Summary: He wandered through the streets of New York thinking about his partner He wanted to go see her, wanted to take comfort in her presence The case he’d just finished had left him shaken, maybe even more than Croyden, simply because she wasn’t thereBA


**Title: Because she's not there**

**Author: thousandmiles**

**Rating: K**

**Spoilers: FPS and S3**

**Summary: Post ep for FPS. Bobby's shaken after the case and Eames has just given birth. They comfort each other. **

**A/N: I loved FPS. The only thing missing was Alex and so there was of course only one way to solve that. I couldn't help myself. I had to write a fic… Thanks to Heather for beta-ing! Well, I hope you'll enjoy!**

**Because she's not there**

Seven pounds and eight ounces. Eames had given birth to a child. A child she'd carried in her womb for nine months and had to give away now that it was born.

He wandered through the streets of New York thinking about his partner. He wanted to go see her, wanted to take comfort in her presence. The case he'd just finished had left him shaken, maybe even more than Croyden, simply because she wasn't there. The case had hit home, like none before. He could not go to her, not without clearing his head first. After all she'd just given birth, she deserved more than having a needy him there. No, she needed rest and if he was there, feeling as unsettled as he did now, she wouldn't get any. He knew her well enough to know she would immediately sense something was wrong and want an explanation. If he'd give her an explanation she would comfort him in her own way. No, it should be the other way around. She would need the comforting. For once, he wanted to be there for her. He'd promised himself that was what he was going to do when she'd given birth. But now, with this case and his demons, he first needed to clear his mind before he could give her his support.

So here he was wandering through the streets. Usually he would find a bar and a drink. He couldn't now, he couldn't show up with his breath smelling like alcohol. Walking helped clearing his mind. Talking to Alex helped even more. He just had to get over that, it simply wasn't an option. He didn't believe he hadn't seen it. The guy had missed his partner. He didn't know how much Bishop knew, if she knew how muchthis case affected him. Sure, he missed Alex. After working together so long they didn't have to say anything to know what the other wanted. There was a comfort and understanding between them that felt good. He just hadn't realized how good until she was gone. Never had he expected he could miss her that much. That he could feel the emptiness in his heart, every day she wasn't there. It wasn't much that he needed from her, just to know she was there.

Fear of her leaving was something real to him. It had crossed his mind that maybe she wouldn't want to come back after giving birth. He wasn't fully prepared for that loss. However, today he'd gotten a taste of it. He'd felt how it would be if she didn't return. He'd felt the emptiness, the loss of her presence and frankly the hurt was so much greater than expected. Her loss would have a bigger impact on his life than anything else. Life without her would not be good. Sure he would still have his job, he still got to chase the criminal. But where would the joy in that be if he couldn't share it with her? If he wouldn't hear her witty remarks again or see her beautiful eyes, hear that beautiful voice. Ever since her maternity leave he'd walked into the office, sat at his desk, waiting for her to walk in and each day she wasn't there. He couldn't look up from his desk and look at the familiar, small and soft figure opposite from him. All he saw was an empty desk and empty chair. She was not there, she was gone.

In that time he still sometimes expected a funny remark from her, expected her to walk passed him, her hand lingering on the back of his chair. During her time away he still called her to discuss cases. Even though she was no longer in the office, she still knew what was going on with his cases. He could still bounce ideas off of her and he could still count on her to make sense of the jumbled thoughts in his head. The loss hadn't been as big as today.

When he'd made the connection with Croyden his mind screamed for Alex. For a second he panicked and in that moment he wanted Alex. Like he'd told Neill, a primitive reaction to the loss of his partner. He was convinced Alex would have seen it sooner. Maybe it was strange that he could, in a way, understand the fear of the partner. For a fleeting moment his mind went back to the moment, during the Croyden case, he'd had with her in the interrogation room. She hadn't said much, she'd known it was futile. Yet she put all her confidence and support in him. That had been all he needed to get back on his feet.

When he had fallen in love with her he didn't know. He couldn't pinpoint the moment nor had he seen it coming. After so many different partnerships, so many partners who simply couldn't handle his ways, he'd found her. Or had she found him? It was probably neither. It was once of those rare cases that a partnership just felt right. Sure the beginning had been rough, even difficult some times. Yet she had made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that he couldn't chase her away and that she was just as good a cop as he was. That his first thought in his panic had been Alex, was all he'd needed to know. All he needed to realize that the love was there. He hadn't realized until today how much he loved having her in his life. That he simply couldn't lose her.

Looking around he found out he was only a few blocks away from Alex' apartment. He knew she'd talked about giving birth at home. He wasn't sure if she'd be at home. He could call her, but if she was at the hospital she wouldn't have her cell phone on. Since her apartment was only a few blocks away he decided to see if she was home.

Convinced that his mind was a bit clearer and she wouldn't be able to see through him, he knocked on her door. A couple of minutes later it was opened by Alex' father.

"Detective Goren." The man greeted him, by shaking his hand.

"Mr. Eames, congratulations." He'd met John Eames a few times before. He didn't really know him, but he seemed a genuinely nice guy.

"Thanks." Alex's father smiled before stepping aside to let Bobby enter. "Go right on through, Alex is in her bedroom. The rest of the clan is in the living room."

He observed Alex's family from the entry of the living room. He didn't know everybody, but saw Alex's mother. She was standing next to a small woman with blond hair who was holding the baby. He guessed it was Cassie, Alex's sister, the one she decided to be a surrogate mother for. Next to Cassie was a man with black hair, in a business suit. He probably was David, Cassie's husband and Alex' brother-in-law. A little further to the left of Cassie were two couples talking to each other. Looking at them he thought one of the men was Alex's brother, yet he didn't know who. His silent observation was broken when Alex's father announced him. Every head turned in his direction. He didn't quite know how to handle that, he wasn't used to that kind of attention, he didn't like it. Politely he shook hands with everybody, starting with the couples he couldn't identify. They turned out to be Alex's brothers, Jake and Tom with their wives. Next he greeted Cassie and David before he turned to Mrs. Eames. He'd already met her. In her he clearly saw Alex. She was taller than Alex, but it was in her way, in her eyes, that he saw the likeness with Alex. The friendly yet determined gaze greeted him. She shook his hand and welcomed him. She turned to Cassie, taking her new grandchild in her arms.

"Meet Michael, Alex's nephew." Alex's mother introduced Bobby to the newborn.

All he could do was stare at the small human being. His eyes were closed and he was wrapped in a little blue blanket. This was Alex's miracle, this was the little person Alex had carried in her womb, had cared for, for nine months. He was beautiful.

Staring at the small child made him yearn for Alex. He could only imagine the pain it cost her to give Michael up. Everybody was so happy, but he knew that Alex would try to keep up appearances, yet was deeply hurting inside. Wanting to see her, to make sure she was all right, he asked her mother if he could go see Alex. With an affirmative nod he made his way to her bedroom.

The door to her bedroom was open. Stopping in the doorway his heart went out to her. She was lying curled up on her side, with her back to him. He was surprised she hadn't heard him. To the casual observer she seemed to be sleeping, but Bobby knew her. He saw the tiny shakes of her body, the way she tried to curl up even more, tried to disappear. She was trying to stay strong, she was trying so hard, but couldn't do it anymore. Stepping into her room, he quietly closed the door. She didn't even turn around or look up. Walking over to her side, he gently sat down on the edge of her bed. He was convinced she already knew it was him. Guessing that a congratulations wasn't what she wanted to hear he simply greeted her.

"Hey." His voice was soft and gentle. With his fingers he placed a strand of hair behind her ear and waited for her reaction.

When she turned her eyes to him, his heart ached. The pain and unshed tears made him catch his breath. She looked so hopeful at him, hoping he could make it better. "Oooh, Alex." He whispered, his voice rough.

Alex, however was still holding back, probably because of her family. She couldn't break down in front of them. They couldn't see how much it hurt to give Michael away. "Can you ask them to leave. I can't…"

Bobby interrupted her. "It's okay. I'll ask them to leave."

Fifteen minutes later he returned, leaving the door to her bedroom open. He sat down, just like before on her side of the bed. This time she turned around, lying on her back with her eyes focused on him. He decided he would leave it up to her if she wanted to talk.

"How are you feeling?"

With a small cynical smile on her face, she shook her head. "I've just given birth. How do you think I feel?" She knew Bobby wasn't the enemy yet she couldn't keep the sarcasm in her voice at bay. Before she could apologize, Bobby surprised her by placing his big warm hand over hers. And she couldn't help but relish in that feeling. It was the first time since Michael had been taken away that she felt warm and loved.

If his gesture surprised her, his next words shocked her. "We'll get through this." He said, squeezing her hand.

The gentleness in his voice, combined with words she never expected to hear from him and how she'd kept her emotions in for such a long time, caused her to finally let it all go. And the tears came and she did not want to stop them anymore. Maybe later on she would feel uncomfortable that Bobby had seen her so vulnerable, but right now she didn't care. Especially when he wrapped his big strong arms around her. In his warm cocoon she let it all go, she let the tears and her pain flow freely, because in Bobby's cocoon she was safe and loved.

Bobby murmured soft, comforting words as he held Alex in her arms. Her whole body shook, her tears flowing freely and all he could do was hold her. It hurt him to see her in that much pain. He wanted to take her pain away. She deserved so much more and he hoped Cassie and David realized what this had cost her.

After what seemed forever her tears dried. She was glad Bobby didn't immediately let her go when her tears stopped. Her delivery and everything finally catching up with her she felt exhausted. In Bobby's arms she slowly fell asleep.

He could feel her relax in his arms and her breathing evening out. Leaning back he saw her eyes were closed and she was asleep. It probably was the best thing for her now. She needed to rest, needed to give her body time to recover. He gently laid her down in bed, covering her with her sheets. After gently kissing her forehead he left her bedroom.

Four hours later, Alex felt slightly better. She was still in pain and not only physically. She didn't want to think about today's events. She couldn't face them yet. Her thoughts went to Bobby. She'd wanted him there, needed him there. She hadn't thought he would have been this supportive. As long as she had known him, she'd always been his anchor, his connection to the world. Now, it was the other way round. He was her anchor, a role he took upon himself easier than she'd thought.

The object of her thoughts suddenly appeared in her doorway. Clearly he'd heard her…how she didn't know. "I've got some water and painkillers for you." Walking over to her bed he handed her the medicine and water and sat down.

Again he placed a strand of hair that had fallen in front of her face, behind her ear. With his finger under her chin, he lifted her head and made her look at him. He needed to see her eyes to know how she felt. They simply stared at each other, each lost in their own thoughts. Alex contemplating this new side of Bobby, Bobby wondering how he could help Alex get through this.

It was Bobby who ended the silence. "H… how are you?" He asked because he didn't know what else to say.

She shrugged, but gave him a small smile. It was a difficult question to answer. She couldn't say she was fine because she wasn't. She also couldn't tell him what she felt. She couldn't, because she didn't truly know what she felt or how she was going to deal with this.

Bobby seemed to be understand her silence. He saw the insecurity in her dark eyes and there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn't take it away. He knew she needed to work through some of this alone. "You hungry?"

Alex didn't feel like doing anything, including eating, but she knew she had to take care of herself. As she got out of her bed, it hit Bobby how small and fragile she looked. She was such a strong woman, but today she looked so vulnerable.

He kept close to her as she walked into the living room. Exhausted by the short distance she quickly sat down on the couch. Bobby quickly grabbed the sandwich he'd made for her and some tea. He knew Alex liked a cup of tea once in a while and thought this would be the right moment. He handed her the plate and placed the cup of tea on the coffee table. He took a seat next to her on the couch.

Deciding she needed to get her mind off of things she asked the one question Bobby didn't want her to ask. "How was your latest case?"

He shouldn't have hesitated or shifted in his seat when she'd asked him that. But he had and he knew that was all she needed to see.

"What happened?"

"Nothing… nothing happened."

"Bobby." She said in a stern voice, letting him know she wasn't going to let this pass.

"I… I don't want to talk about it tonight, okay?" He pleaded with her. He really didn't want to bother her with his insecurities that had come forward during the case. She didn't need that right now.

"I do."

He shook his head. In a way he was glad to see a little of the old Eames back in that reply.

She watched him. Clearly it was something big that had happened, otherwise he would tell her. Now that she really looked at him, she could see the haunted look in his eyes. She'd only seen that look one time before and the cause was Nicole Wallace. No… it couldn't be, right? Was Nicole back? "Is it Nicole?"

"No." He whispered.

"Then what is it, Bobby?"

"I don't want to talk about it." He stood up and put some distance between them.

The distance hurt her. Not only could she not go to him, she was glad to sit down, it also hurt that he didn't want to talk to her. Was this the consequence of her departure for maternity leave? "If this is your way of paying me back, then just leave now!" It hurt that he treated her like that and she didn't need that right now.

Her harsh voice and accusation shocked him. Paying her back? Leaving her? He wasn't even going to think about that. No way was he leaving her right now. And paying her back, that hadn't even crossed his mind. Apparently recovering from her words took too long, because when he turned towards her she was already stumbling back to her bedroom.

"Alex?" He questioned as he followed her. He didn't really have to quicken his pace to catch up with her. In a few paces he was by her side. "This isn't about paying you back. I wouldn't do that."

"Then what the hell is going on, because I don't get it. You know what, I'm too tired for this." She walked to her bed, got under her sheets and turned her back to him.

Bobby felt helpless. In his need to protect her, he'd hurt her. She didn't deserve that. He shouldn't have hesitated. He should have handled things differently. He hesitated as he stood at the end of her bed. Should he go to her and sit down on the edge of her bed or leave and give her some time? He decided for the last. "I'm sorry, Alex. I… I… don't want to hurt you." He whispered before he left the room.

It wasn't until much later that evening that Alex reappeared again. She'd hadn't really gotten any sleep. She'd thought about Bobby's words and what could have happened that left him so shaken. She really didn't have any answers to her questions. She just couldn't understand why, all of a sudden, he didn't trust her. That was what hurt the most. She stumbled back into her living room and found Bobby asleep on her couch. A smile appeared on her face. He was far too tall for her couch, his feet hanging over the armrest. Surely that wasn't a comfortable position.

She tried to be quiet, but apparently she'd made a sound because as she walked passed him, Bobby woke up. He quickly sat up and wiped the sleep out of his eyes. His mind was too sleep fogged to read her. "Sit down." He suggested to her with a voice still edged with sleep.

Alex couldn't help but notice that Bobby looked cute when he first woke up. His hair tousled, his eyes unguarded and soft and his rough voice, it was all endearing. Sitting next to him she could see his hesitance in the way he shifted and how he eyes kept darting through the room. "Relax." She reassured him. "I'm not mad."

"I'm sorry." He apologized again. "I just don't want to upset you."

She could understand that. In his own way Bobby had apparently tried to protect her. "I know, but you shutting me out right now hurts, Bobby."

He nodded, he could understand that. It wasn't one of his best moves to shut her our, but he really did want to protect her.

"Tell me about the case." She inquired softly.

And so he did. He started calmly, relaying all the details to her. How the case had started and it had lead them to the partners. Finally he came to the point where he'd lost it.

"I was standing there, in the interrogation room and it suddenly dawned on me. It was just like Croyden. I was missing clues. Clues, you would have picked up on." Bobby tensed as he reached the point of his break down. He really didn't want to tell Alex about this.

She seemed to sense his hesitation. Clearly this was difficult for him. In stead of comforting words, she took his big hand in her smaller one and squeezed it gently.

"I… I realized Neill missed his partner. That was what he feared most. He thought he was losing him to a woman and that fear gripped his heart. He did what he thought was best, what would secure his partnership. He didn't know that it couldn't be saved." He released her hand and ran a hand through his hair. "It dawned on me how much I missed you. You… you would have seen it. You… I wanted you there. I was sitting at my desk, staring and your empty chair and I panicked. It was just like Croyden and…. y…you weren't there. I needed you there to get me back on track." That was all he wanted to share with her. It was more than he'd planned. She didn't need to know how much he feared she wouldn't come back.

She could totally imagine Bobby sitting at his desk, looking at her empty place. She felt she should have been there, should have supported him. She knew how Bobby could get with cases like this. First he didn't like to be wrong at all. He usually caught all the clues. This time it also involved a case resembling the Croyden case. She could only imagine how that had shaken him up. However she guessed there was more to this case than missing clues and the connection to Croyden. There was more and he didn't want to tell her. She wondered what it was. She replayed his words in her head. Suddenly it dawned on her. The way he'd talked about Neill's fear… his voice had faltered. He was afraid she would leave him, afraid she wouldn't come back to him. She should have known, should have connected the dots sooner.

Ever since their partnership had really become a partnership, she would sometimes catch Bobby staring at her. At first she didn't know what to think of it. She'd thought about questioning him about it, but decided against it. She didn't know when, but one day she realized he was simply checking if she was still with him. As if he feared she would disappear into thin air and leave him without saying a word. They'd never really talked before about his fear, but she knew it was there. She thought about letting him start talking about his fear or just confront him about it. Looking at Bobby she knew he wasn't going to volunteer more information.

"You thought that maybe I wasn't coming back, that I was leaving. This wasn't just about Neill's fear, this was also about your own fear. You still think I'm going to leave you." And in a way that hurt her.

With his shoulders slumped, elbows on his knees and head in his hand he simply nodded.

"You need to deal with this fear of abandonment, Bobby. I'm not going to leave you. If I'd wanted to leave you, I would have done so a long time before. I'm here Bobby, I'm still here and I'm not going anywhere. I like what we have and I like what we can become, but we're not going anywhere if you can't let this go."

"Look." She said as she sat forward. "I know how many partners left you and even though you won't admit it, that hurt. I understand that. Sure we had our rough moments in the beginning, but look at us now. We have a strong partnership, not only because we work well together, but more importantly because we are friends, good friends. Even though you won't talk about it, I know about your past. I know how your mother's illness affected you. How she left you to fend for yourself, how you had to grow up alone, not having anyone there for you. She left you feeling abandoned. You don't ever want to go through that, don't ever want to relive that loss again. But the way you react to these things isn't good for you either, Bobby. Have a little faith, trust me and trust our partnership. I can't do that alone, I can't give you that trust, I need your faith in us too. I need you to trust that what we have is good and strong and solid. You need to give our partnership that trust."

She let the silence hang between them. Bobby needed to really work through her words. She knew him well enough to give him that time. People always thought Bobby was the only profiler, but she could read people just as well. She knew Bobby like no one else. She could read him like a book. He didn't give trust easily and she knew she had his. That had been a little victory on it's own, but now she also needed him to trust the bond they had. Looking at him he was still in the same position, with his head hung low. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you today, Bobby. I wish I could have done something, but I also need you to realize that you won't lose me."

"Don't apologize, you did nothing wrong." His voice was soft. This was exactly why he didn't want to talk to her about it. Here she was comforting him again when the roles should be reversed. "I have faith…in what we have. It's just… I looked up and you weren't there and I thought… maybe this is how it's going to be."

Before she could interrupt, he spoke again. "I didn't want to bother you with this. Alex, I know you're hurting. I can see it in your eyes. You are always my rock. You are the one person I can fall back on, because I know I can always count on you. This time I want it to be the other way around. I want you to know that I'm here for you. Whenever you are ready to talk about this or to just sit with you. Anything, it doesn't matter. I want to be your rock, the person _you_ can count one. Give me that. It's okay to show me you're hurting. Let yourself be weak and let me be your strength."

In less then five minutes he'd turned the tables on her. Suddenly she was on the spotlight. No longer was it about his fear, it was about her. Of course he'd been spot on. She didn't like to be seen as a small weak woman. She needed to be strong for her family and others. Bobby was telling her it was okay to be weak. If she was honest with herself, she did need someone else to be her strength, to get her through this because she realized she couldn't do this on her own. There was no doubt in her mind that he could get her through this, he was probably the only one.

She felt her emotions get the better of her again and Bobby saw it. Before she knew it, his strong arms were around her again, giving her comfort and protection. This time however she decided to tell him about it.

"I never expected it to be this hard. I held him in my arms and in that moment I was happy. I'd brought this terrific child to the world and he was beautiful. But he wasn't mine. Before long, Cassie asked for him and I gave him to her. It hurt to so much. I mean, she was so happy to hold her child in her hands and I felt completely empty because I'd just lost him. I'd carried him in me for nine months and I couldn't even call him mine. He felt like mine, Bobby." Thought her words were muffled by his arms, he heard every word and felt her pain. "I want him to be mine." The last words were whispered softly, as if she felt ashamed.

"Who knows if I'm ever going to have this chance again. I'm almost forty, Bobby. Maybe this was my last chance to have a child. My last chance and I can't even call him mine."

He didn't quite know how to react to that admission. He was certain she would find the perfect man and start a family. He wasn't going to think about the fact that he wanted to be that man. This wasn't the time nor the place to get into that. He knew Alex would rather him quiet than comforting her with meaningless promises. "It's going to be okay." He whispered into her hair.

"How do you know? How can you be certain? It doesn't feel like it's going to be okay. Every time I see Michael he'll remind me of what I'm missing."

"I… I think that maybe in time you will be able to give this…give him a place in your heart. A place where the hurt will be less and where you'll be able to enjoy your role as aunt. Maybe it's hard to accept that now, but I know you'll be able to do that. You will get through this Alex. You're not alone."

She looked at him, maybe it was the mood, maybe it was his gentle words, the way he held her in his arms or his gentle eyes looking back at her, that made her kiss him. It was just a brush of lips, to reassure her he was there and she wasn't alone in this. She didn't really know why she did it, but it did feel nice. And nice was something she hadn't felt the entire day. And Bobby seemed to understand that. He gave her a gentle smile and gave her a kiss on her forehead. "We'll be okay." He whispered, before sleep took the best of them.

**The End**


End file.
